Now that we've heard from our resident Mick, let's take a look at how the other Lowbar patriarchs show their cultural colors on the 17th of March:
Captain Heinous: Erin Go Bräu
- Enter a local Irish pub of your choosing.
- Drink excessively, inviting the cheers of visiting 22 year old males.
- Find a fiery Irish lass, or at least a green-clad poser lass.
- As you strike up a perfectly normal and friendly conversation, take mental inventory of the various St. Patrick's themed trinkets she had adorned herself with for the celebration.
- Offer to show her your weiner in return for your favorite trinket.
- Exit the pub, leaving your pathetic and desperate friend with the stunned chicks.
- Awaken the next morning with no memory of storming through the door of your condo at 6:15pm, assaulting your girlfriend, and passing out within 5 minutes.
Howie Hardcore: Atty Haye's Goatsucker Mc42- Enter a local pub of your choosing.
- Drink excessively, appear to be brooding/mysterious/artistic, inviting the attention of Irish lady bartender.
- Prepare onlookers for magic show; dump drink on bar.
- Exit the pub, going home to paint.
- Decide you have fallen in love with the lady bartender while painting.
- Whine about it in a blog.
BK: The Secret Cowardice of Fionn MacCumhall- Spend formative years with Italian relatives who strongly dislike Irish people, for reasons which aren't exactly clear.
- Remove any trace of green from wardrobe.
- Enter a local Irish pub of your choosing.
- Drink excessively.
- Make lame excuse to disappear from friends in the bar crowd, find group of burly drunk Irish immigrants.
- Tell those mick fucks that they bastardized the One True Faith.
- If that doesn't work, say something like "Fuck the Irish."
- Get punched in face.
- Fall to ground.
- Look up at frightened faces of poser Americans of distant Irish heritage, convince yourself that this somehow represents victory.
- Piss pants.
Until next time: A toast to your coffin!
