Who knew?
- Apparently, this whole "Iraq War" thing is all about knocking down a Saddam Hussein statue in the middle of Baghdad. That was the hidden goal all along, presented to Tommy Franks in a sealed envelope by war emcee Joe Rogan about three weeks ago. Kind of like a scavenger hunt/Road Rules type of thing.
- We haven't found vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, but we found a statue and bashed it up good. I'm sure glad they got rid of them statues and the war is over now. Hold the phone... Uh oh... Apparently, there are reports that the statue depicted one of Saddam Hussein's body doubles, not Saddam himself. The Pentagon is looking into it.
- A couple of days after I posted a call to jobs, apes and monkeys are already being proactive. Pepsi hired "an unusually dextrous monkey" to draw the winner of a $1 billion prize. It ain't rocket science, but I guess it's a start.
- The Iraq Information Minister has also announced that no statues of Saddam Hussein have been destroyed, that the United States does not actually exist and that he had sex with this totally hot chick he met last summer at Niagara Falls. No, he doesn't have a picture of her. Her name? Audrey, he thinks. He can't remember for sure, but he totally swears it happened.
- Everyone who doesn't feel 100% healthy right now thinks they are gettin' their SARS on. Then they try to think of the last Asian-looking person they came into contact with, because they totally bet that's how they got it. Do Italians count? I sat next to this Italian-looking guy on the subway yesterday. Italians are from Asia, right?
- Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that all this anti-Americanism in the world has nothing to do with our foreign policy and military action? Maybe it has more to do with the fact that, for the first time in many years, we are competitive at soccer.
- Sean Penn drives a 1987 Buick Grand National. Or at least he used to. Awesome. Maybe he can use the insurance money to upgrade to a 1989 LeSabre.
- The White Stripes' new album is goddamned magic. It should be used as currency in the new, improved, statue-free Iraq.
- This list reads like a rejected monologue from the Chevy Chase Show. Our guests tonight are Jason Bateman, Skippy from Family Ties and C&C Music Factory.
