Grow up, apesThe wild ape is vanishing. Due to poachers and disease, the ape population of west Africa has been cut in half over the past 20 years.
Well boo frickin' hoo.
They've got opposable thumbs, and people generally like them because they are funny monkeys. I know times are tough in this economy, but being able to pick up objects and having a favorable public opinion is about 85% of the battle when it comes to landing a job. It's time for apes to shave, learn some manners and stop living a lie. Get a job.
Guess what? Other than the breakfast crew at Denny's, there aren't any poachers in the big city. There aren't many in the suburbs, either. You know where poachers hang out? Jungles. You know where apes choose to live, even though all signs point to "get the hell out of the forest and get a goddamned job?" That's right: Jungles. Look at the facts and save me your sob stories, apes.
Take dolphins, for example. Don't you think they'd rather be swimming carefree in tropical waters? You think they like defusing sea mines in the Persian Gulf? Hell no, but it's an honest living. Work puts fish in a bucket. Frolicking around in clear blue waters, performing tricks and clicking gleefully is what vacation is for. There's enough fish in these dolphins' buckets for a week's worth of meals, and they'll have fish left over for retirement.
Look at your pathetic stash of bruised bananas, ape. Wouldn't you rather have several bunches of delicious, ripe bananas? What happens when the banana grove has been picked bare, and there are no bananas left for the season? Do you have reserve bananas stowed safely away for you and your children? No? Then get your resume out there. Every two weeks, you will have enough bananas to feed you and your children... and more than a few bananas left over with which to grease the palms of your group's highest-ranking silverbacks.
I know what you're thinking, ape: "I'm no Koko. I'm not comfortable with my skill-set as an employee at this juncture." That's such a defeatist attitude! Koko didn't roll out of bed one day and magically become able to communicate with humans via sign language. In fact, it's arguable that Koko is even all that intelligent whatsoever. Take the following bit of transcript from AOL's 1998 Earth Day
Chat with Koko:
KOKO: Candy hurry...candy.
PENNY: She'll probably be very pleased to have her dinner. She's asking me for 'candy' right now. After dinner.
KOKO: Candy hurry.
PENNY: She has vegetables for dinner... raw vegetables...
KOKO: Nipple.
PENNY: Yes, like a big salad.
KOKO: Hear.
PENNY: She wants to hear, but the only trouble is phone cord won't quite stretch this far Koko. Do you want to hear this?
Penny puts phone to Koko's ear.
KOKO: Huff* huff.* (Into phone.)
AOL: Hello Koko?... I just asked her about her dinner over the phone!
PENNY: Can you hear them?
Penny takes the phone from Koko's ear.
KOKO: Give-me.
Let me get this straight: If you are able to convey a desire for candy, blurt out inappropriate non-sequiturs regarding nipples and breathe heavily into a phone, you are in the running for world's most-intelligent ape? Come on, apes. Let's clean up that self-esteem and aim a little higher. Bananas don't grow on trees; you have to work for them, you lazy fucking idiots.
P.S. The picture below actually depicts Umm Qasr Lions fans tearing down a statue depicting referee Jerry Markbreit's controversial "first-down" call in the 1983 Iraq Bowl. On fourth and 2, trailing late in the game and driving deep into Lions territory, the Karbala Wildcats went for it and appeared to come up short. However, Markbreit inexplicably signalled for a first down before any measurement took place, Karbala got off a quick snap and eliminated any possibility of Umm Qasr coach Wayne Fontes calling for a measurement. Three plays later, QB Frank Reich hit Karbala WR Louis Lipps for the game-winning touchdown.
