Nobody likes a quitter
For the fourth consecutive year, my new year's resolution is to stop smoking cigarettes. I have experimented with various methodologies to accomplish this goal over the years, and all have astonishingly resulted in my continuing to smoke cigarettes.
In summary, the past three attempts have gone like this:
2000, Nicoderm patch: Approximately 7 days of non-smoking. Patch smell like shit. Patch make me hyper. Patch somehow make me more irritable than with no patch. Me forget to take off patch when sleepytime; me have nightmares consisting of monsters killing my loved ones. Me scared by nightmare. Me purchase 20-cigarette pack. Me smoky.
2001, Nicorette gum: Approximately 4 days of non-smoking. Gum taste like shit. Gum close up throat. Gum only effective in helping me quit gum. With no gum, me crave smoky. Me purchase 20-cigarette pack. Me smoky.
2002, Stone Cold Steve Turkey: Approximately 3 weeks(!) of non-smoking. Me consumed by manaical, cigarette-related restlessness and anxiety for first full week. Me experience surprising sense of calm for much of second week. Me convinced cigarettes had been defeated for third full week. Me celebrate kicking habit by purchasing 20-cigarette pack. Me smoky.
There were some common themes and perceptions that united all three attempts:
a) Frequent jokes consisting of: "I just quit smoking. It's going pretty well, but man... these Nicoderm patches/pieces of Nicorette gum just don't stay lit."
b) Gaining approximately 30 lbs. per non-smoking week, due to substituting 6-course meals for cigarettes.
c) Eventually convincing myself it's better to continue smoking, if only to spite those fake-coughing, "you know, you really should quit smoking" elitists who think it's their business to offer me unsolicited advice. Trust me: everyone who smokes knows how bad cigarettes are for the human body. If one lives in California and one happens to smoke cigarettes, one is forced to do it outside, where one may encounter people who don't smoke. Don't blame us; that's the law. We also know that if one is smoking a cigarette and one passes you on a city street and a little bit of our cigarette smoke wafts towards you, this is not enough smoke to cause an intense coughing fit. You've taken over the bars and the restaurants and every other indoor space in this entire state, so at least let us smoke outside without getting an earful of your obvious opinions. I don't cover my ears and pretend to be suffering from the decibel level when you are talking on your fucking cell phone, so do me a favor and stop with the coughing.
d) To successfully quit smoking, I will need stores to stop selling cigarettes.
This year, I have enlisted the aid of Commit brand nicotine lozenges. The makers of these lozenges -- world-class scientists who have obviously never enjoyed the marvelous experience of smoking delicious, delicious cigarettes -- seem to have operated under the assumption that the key allure of cigarette-smoking is a combination of:
(1) a caustic taste/burning sensation in throat that temporarily disables your ability to swallow [77% accurate]
(2) a faint peppermint flavor [11% accurate, but only for Kool or Newport smokers]
(3) uncontrollable hiccuping [0% accurate]
The instructions also mention that you should wait 15 minutes after eating to enjoy a Commit lozenge, which is the single most unrealistic thing I have ever been asked to do. Go ask your local cigarette aficionado; they will tell you that the best time to have a cigarette is immediately after a meal. Ask me to wait 15 minutes after my meal to enjoy something that's supposed to take place of my beloved cigarette, and I will ask you to speak with The Elbow. Because The Hand is busy. Busy holding the cigarette that The Mouth is smoking.
It is unfair to place all the blame on the Commit lozenge, as I am sure that the Commit lozenge's heart is in the right place. I'm also pretty sure that the Nicoderm patch and Nicorette gum intended well. I just don't think they knew what they were getting into. The cigarette-enjoyment receptors in my brain have exceptional debate skills, and each attempt to quit smoking causes them to get lippy.
Day 1: Hey, man, we think it's awesome that you're quitting smoking. We could definitely use a break. We're totally in your corner.
Day 2: Wow. These lozenges fucking suck! You know, your mom quit cold turkey. I bet you can do it without the lozenges, trust me.
Day 3: Man, that turkey dinner was delicious. Time for a smo... whoops, I forgot. My bad.
Day 4: You know, I really don't miss smoking that much, but I definitely miss those five-minute breaks where we can just go outside and think about stuff by ourselves. Isn't it funny how if you did that without smoking, people would just think you were loitering or stalking somebody or something? Man, I miss those breaks...
Day 5: Wow, I just realized something: All the great ones smoked.
Day 6: I bet if you had a cigarette right now, it would give you a huge buzz just like the first one you ever had.
Day 7: This is ridiculous. Look at the way you're acting. Would you rather be a smoker or an asshole for the rest of your life? Do everybody else a favor and just have one, you selfish bitch.
Day 8: Hey, man, listen -- just hear me out here. The Id and I have been talking, and we thought we should let you know that you look like a pussy these days. You really used to look good with a cigarette -- tougher, cooler, the way you smoked it gave you this air of intensity and a strange sense of purpose. So here's what we've been thinking: why do you have to quit completely? I mean, you could have the occassional smoke when you were out at a bar, walking home from work, after a good meal or whatever. Seriously, man, just something to think about. (Me: Can't I just buy a leather jacket?) You don't have that kind of money, dipshit.
Day 9: Fuck you. You're on your own.
Day 10: Mmmmmmm... man, that hit the spot. I told you it'd be just like the first one you ever had. By the way: nice will-power, you pathetic loser.
That's about it. I don't really have a point here, other than I just went and smoked a couple of cigarettes after one full day of non-smoking. I felt shame, but luckily my emotions were not betrayed by my outward appearance of cool toughness.
