Champions of the diamond
After watching the Home Run Derby and Pro-Am Softball Game that were part of this year's All-Star Baseball festivities, I have come to the following conclusions:
1. Sammy Sosa is not on steroids. Sammy Sosa is a specialized robot built for hitting ridiculous fucking home runs and was sent to earth from the planet Jarnoxx.
2. Barry Bonds hit only two home runs in the Home Run Derby, which is the greatest barometer of sluggerdom. One can only conclude that his 73 home runs last year and his 27 this year were all cheap, wind-blown flukes.
3. At one point in the softball game, Meatloaf pitched to John Kruk. Barring camera tricks, this event disproves my theory that John Kruk and Meatloaf are the same person.
4. The family of the late Ted Williams is arguing whether to cremate his body (as Ted wished) or to freeze it cryogenically so that Ted Williamses can be created in the future using his DNA. This is no joke. With all respect to Ted, his family is a bunch of god-damned freaks.
5. The post-softball entertainment consisted of Counting Crows performing a song. I get the feeling that Counting Crows is one of those bands that will never go away. They will be the easy-listening version of Aerosmith.
6. In addition to the Home Run Derby, there should be a contest called "Leg It Out!"(TM). This contest would pit banjo-hitting speedsters against one another to see who could get the most infield singles in 10 swings.
7. Baseball is a great game, but I'd rather watch a highlight reel of Chilean soccer standout Rolfonez silkily weaving his way through Peruvian defenders any day of the week.
