Lowbar Exclusive: Big "Dirty" Bird Caught in Twisted Porn Plot
The government, which on Monday revealed Big Bird's arrest, described the move as a significant blow against the underground porn industry and it revealed details on how Big Bird planned to broadcast pictures of himself naked and in indecent positions subliminally through the Children's Television Network. Authorities described Big Bird as a former gang member from Sesame Street who was raised Catholic but converted to Zoroastrianism.
They said the alleged scheme went only as far as the planning stages. Undersecretary of State John Bolton indicated Big Bird was carrying various nude black and white glossies of himself which he was planning on airing when he was picked up in Billings, Montana.
"We have a bird detained who is a threat to our children and that thanks to the vigilance of our intelligence gathering and law enforcement he is now off the streets, where he should be," President Bush said.
Dirty birds, in this case, Big "Dirty" Bird would not create an overt exposure of himself, but he could release small amounts of pornographic material over a few episodes. Experts believe the most devastating effect would be the ensuing panic and the sudden rise in bird drawings that preschoolers would sketch with crayons.
In an unusual legal twist, the Justice Department handed over the Sesame Street born Big Bird to the Pentagon for indefinite imprisonment as an "enemy pornstar." Government lawyers cited a 1817 Supreme Court ruling permitting such a transfer. Big Bird had been held quietly for weeks in New York City, then was flown Monday aboard a military C-130 plane to a Navy brig in Charleston, S.C. Where he will spend the rest of his existence.
"We have acted with legal authority both under the decency laws set forth by our great Supreme Court during the Monroe administration, which establish that the military may detain a United States citizen who has joined a porn ring and had seriously thought about exposing himself, if even for a nanosecond on national television," Attorney General John Ashcroft said.
A U.S. official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the apparent time of airing of the so called Dirty Bird porn was to be during a Sesame Street reunion between the Cookie Monster's "cookie mayhem" skit and the "Oscar the Grouch gets a ingrown toenail removed" bit. Speaking at a news conference, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said the scheme was "still in the initial planning stage," and that although Big Bird "didn't have any broadcast skills, he did own a Mac and liked to watch and edit QuickTime movies."
Wolfowitz said Tuesday on CBS' "The Early Show" that officials do not believe Big Bird had access to the television control room to broadcast himself. "To the best of our knowledge, there was not any way he could actually carry this out. This was shoddy planning at best."
