Your Friends Will Be Fucking Astounded at How Cool You Sound
My shoes (Timberland, 2 count, leather, $78.99) have become worn, scuffed and odor-laden. I need two new shoes*.
Butting heads with this stubborn, unwavering fact is the following phenomenon: For no reason whatsoever, I have been in heavy demand for social engagements over the past few weeks. My life has gotten to the point that I need to buy shoes instead of accept the next social invitation extended to me. Without exception, I have accepted several offers to drink cans/bottles/glasses of alcohol with my peers rather than eschew these soirees in deference to my shoe-procuring needs.
The reasons for this are severalfold, but it basically boils down to this:
Telling someone that you can't meet up with them because you need to get new shoes is absolutely unheard of, and in most cases will be considered a fake excuse.
Out of necessity, I have generated a solutions-schematic for this quandary. As is the case with most spoken-word sentences, the key is in the delivery. Therefore, instead of bluntly explaining that shoes and naught but shoes is what you need, the answer lies in subtly touting the entire activity of shoe-shopping.
I proffer one or several of the following:
- "I'ma get my shoe-shopping on."
- "I'm fittin to get my shoe-shopping on."
- "... And the clock strikes shoes o'clock."
- "3...2...1... shoestact."
- "The dawn of a new era of shoes-shopping has descended upon me."
- "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! [Your first initial here]-Dawg shops for shoes!"
- "I will leverage and implement footwear solutions."
- "It's shoes time."
* They will protect the soles of my feet and I will wear them for walking.
