Ape and Bil converse about various college basketball topics.

Part 1: Arizona Sucks

aBloodClot: GANSEY HANDD
MatesWithJewslak: I WANT TO PUNCH SALIM STOUDAMIRE IN THE FUCKING HEAD HANDD
aBloodClot: salim stoudamire looks like: fucking french guy who is accidentally good at basketball
aBloodClot: i don't know why, but i share: intense hatred of stoudd
aBloodClot: even before game-winn schott
aBloodClot: especially disliked: crazy arm-waev defensive staence
MatesWithJewslak: and: hair, face
MatesWithJewslak: ronny turiaf called, he wants the stupid ass look he's trying to pull off back
aBloodClot: heyo
aBloodClot: i also haett: arizz in general
MatesWithJewslak: me too
MatesWithJewslak: primarily because: arkansas def. duke in final game 1994
MatesWithJewslak: arkansas -> arkanZaw --> AZ ---> fuck them
aBloodClot: naems on team: especially annoying
aBloodClot: channing frye
aBloodClot: bret brielmaier
aBloodClot: beau muhlbach
aBloodClot: salim stoudamire
aBloodClot: sounds like: the fuken 3 p.m. shift at chippendaelzz
aBloodClot: or: a goddamn yachting clubb
aBloodClot: isaiah fox

Part 2: Illinois Fans Suck (Monologue)

aBloodClot: weird/amusing phenomenon took place at bar i watch gaemzen at lastt nightt
aBloodClot: namely:
aBloodClot: many illinois fanzen
aBloodClot: shouting things that you rarely hear shouted during baskk matches
aBloodClot: my theory is that illinois fanzen have not watched basketball until their team was ranked #1
aBloodClot: examples: "yes! score it!:
aBloodClot: "for the deuce!"
aBloodClot: (after illinois foul)
aBloodClot: :
aBloodClot: "no way! he got robbed!"
aBloodClot: 70 to 75 percent of passionate shouting from illinois fanzen was a little bit off

Part 3: NIT Signs

MatesWithJewslak: this weekend, i may actually go to:
a) bowling alley
b) NIT game
c) figure skating competition
d) boat/rv show
aBloodClot: b
aBloodClot: VCU?
MatesWithJewslak: MD-TCU
aBloodClot: to huckk: dartts at Marylandd fanzen?
MatesWithJewslak: nay, to cheer forntt maryland
aBloodClot: you should wear: duke sweattschirdt, ncaa tournamentt capp
MatesWithJewslak: i have no ill will toward: maryland fanzen
MatesWithJewslak: i would do that if: maryland had not shellacked duke twice this year
aBloodClot: you should definitely: maekk saenz
aBloodClot: "N-C-Double-What? The NIT's for me!"
aBloodClot: NCAA Tournament: Who NITs it?
aBloodClot: NIT is N(EA)IT-O
MatesWithJewslak: Everyone
Should want to
Play in the
National Invitation Tournament (NIT)!!!
MatesWithJewslak: NCAA Tournament: what's iNIT for me?
aBloodClot: heyo
MatesWithJewslak: reverse:
MatesWithJewslak: oh yeah, my team and half of the ACC
aBloodClot: I've got a NIT to pick with the NCAA Selection Committee!
MatesWithJewslak: front: NITpicky
MatesWithJewslak: back: NCAA- too picky
MatesWithJewslak: UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND: my final four NITpick!
MatesWithJewslak: stay tuned for the National Wedding Invitation Tournament following the game!
aBloodClot: Invitation: Accepted!
MatesWithJewslak: haha, i like that
MatesWithJewslak: Hey NIT: How's THAT for an RSVP!
MatesWithJewslak: NIT: Regrets Only
aBloodClot: Nothin' But N.E.T (National Evite Tournament)!
MatesWithJewslak: THIS BASKET-BALL IS GREAT AND EVERYTHING, BUT WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR CROSS-STICH ON?
aBloodClot: Strictly NITro action
aBloodClot: Hey, Wake Forest: Got Tourney?
MatesWithJewslak: THE NIT USED TO BE BETTER
aBloodClot: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the NITchen!
MatesWithJewslak: DON'T WORRY, CLEMSON IS ALREADY OUT
MatesWithJewslak: i actually did have a sign ready if Memphis was on maryland's side of the bracket
MatesWithJewslak: FOUL DARIUS WASHINGTON
aBloodClot: FOUL DARIUS RUCKER
MatesWithJewslak: NIT CANER-MEDLEY
aBloodClot: nice
aBloodClot: TAKE (N)IT TO THE LIM(N)IT ONE MORE (NI)TIME!
aBloodClot: NIT: It's good practice for next year. MARYLAND 2006 NCAA CHAMPS!!
MatesWithJewslak: I WENT OT HIGH SCHOOL WITH NITIN LENGADE, HE WAS NICE
aBloodClot: U SNOOZE U LOSE
aBloodClot: U SNOOZE U LOSE (CORINTHIANS 2:13)
aBloodClot: would be awess as a cutaway shot of a rabid fan going crazy with a "U SNOOZE U LOSE" sign
aBloodClot: we should have a game
aBloodClot: first person to get nonsensical sign on TV: winner
MatesWithJewslak: In heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche.
Can I get a fucking interesting team up in here? - NIT.

After a slight diversion, I decided to go to New Orleans for St. Patrick's Day. Now I have been to NO plenty of times, but reaffirmed what I like about the city:

1) Boobies. I don't care what time of year it is or what occasion is being celebrated. If you go to NO, you will see girls flashing boobies.

2) Drunks. I drank as much as I could (without being in a 2GC) and still only spent $13.50. I mean, you can walk around with open containers and drink till 5am, what more could you want?

3) Vegas Memory Loss. As in Vegas, what happens in NO stays in NO. This concept has recently been advertised for U.S.'s gaming meca in NV, but NO is untouched with this premise and vastly underutilized.

4) The Quarter Excuse. No matter what you do or say (can be an issue for the Captain) you can blame all of your misgivings on being in The Quarter. "You told a girl to look at your weiner? That's OK, you were in The Quarter."

5) Life Expectancy. When you walk around in The Quarter and witness all of the characters and derilicts abound, you really appreciate what you have, no matter how bad you think you've had it.

6) Beads. Everyone knows that Margi Gras is about parades and beads, but the bead industry is really thriving. There are literally beads for everything (except Lowbar). Beads are also used to see boobies (see #1).

7) Southern Hospitality. I love the South and no matter how you relate to 1-6 above, at least for the most part folks in NO are very hospitable and nice. In fact, a friend told me he got a BJ from a local married chick (clause #3 and #4) and when she got done she looked up and said, "Welcome to New Orleans." How nice of her!

Now that we've heard from our resident Mick, let's take a look at how the other Lowbar patriarchs show their cultural colors on the 17th of March:

Captain Heinous: Erin Go Bräu

1. Enter a local Irish pub of your choosing.
2. Drink excessively, inviting the cheers of visiting 22 year old males.
3. Find a fiery Irish lass, or at least a green-clad poser lass.
4. As you strike up a perfectly normal and friendly conversation, take mental inventory of the various St. Patrick's themed trinkets she had adorned herself with for the celebration.
5. Offer to show her your weiner in return for your favorite trinket.
6. Exit the pub, leaving your pathetic and desperate friend with the stunned chicks.
7. Awaken the next morning with no memory of storming through the door of your condo at 6:15pm, assaulting your girlfriend, and passing out within 5 minutes.

Howie Hardcore: Atty Haye's Goatsucker Mc42

1. Enter a local pub of your choosing.
2. Drink excessively, appear to be brooding/mysterious/artistic, inviting the attention of Irish lady bartender.
3. Prepare onlookers for magic show; dump drink on bar.
4. Exit the pub, going home to paint.
5. Decide you have fallen in love with the lady bartender while painting.
6. Whine about it in a blog.

BK: The Secret Cowardice of Fionn MacCumhall

1. Spend formative years with Italian relatives who strongly dislike Irish people, for reasons which aren't exactly clear.
2. Remove any trace of green from wardrobe.
3. Enter a local Irish pub of your choosing.
4. Drink excessively.
5. Make lame excuse to disappear from friends in the bar crowd, find group of burly drunk Irish immigrants.
6. Tell those mick fucks that they bastardized the One True Faith.
7. If that doesn't work, say something like "Fuck the Irish."
8. Get punched in face.
9. Fall to ground.
10. Look up at frightened faces of poser Americans of distant Irish heritage, convince yourself that this somehow represents victory.
11. Piss pants.

Until next time: A toast to your coffin!

Fantastic ways to celebrate your Irish heritage and confuse the amateurs on amateur night.

Plan 1: Mobius Drunk

1. Be of Irish heritage.
2. Attend a St. Patrick's Day party at your office or after work.
3. Act like you are very offended by the Irish stereotypes that surround St. Patrick's Day. As you drink, complain loudly about how the Irish are portrayed.
4. Ironically reinforce these stereotypes by becoming increasingly drunk and violent as you complain about them.

Plan 2: BlarneyTime

1. Drink liquor until sick.
2. Vomit shamrocks.
3. Shamrocks should leave a trail of rainbow-colored light as they are projected from your mouth.

Plan 3: Top o' the Mornin'

1. Open a bar on St. Patrick's Day.
2. Serve green beer on St. Patrick's Day.
3. Continue to serve green beer in the weeks following St. Patrick's Day.
4. When a patron mentions it's probably time to stop putting food coloring in the beer, reply: "Food coloring?"

Plan 4: Tam o' Shanter

1. Challenge leprechauns to a game of basket-ball.
2. Lose the game of basket-ball to the leprechauns.
3. Refuse to shake their hands after the match, claiming you don't want to catch leprechaun herpes.
4. While you were playing basket-ball against and insulting the leprechauns, your accomplice $helbb should have been stealing their credit-card numbers by combing through the trash outside of their leprechaun homes.
5. Using the credit-card numbers, perform leprechaun identity theft.

News today says that a nurse helping people with the deadly Asian Bird Flu has contracted the virus. They are not sure if he got it from his patients or from some chickens in the village where his girlfriend lives. Either way, it's just a matter of time before this sucker mutates and starts wiping us all out in droves. So I've compiled a list of things I'd like to do before that day comes (in three months):
1. Penelope Cruz
2. Drive a sub to Vallarta
3. 2 Gallon Challenge
4. Become a dentist
5. Hole myself up in some remote locale away from all you weezing sickies.
6. Aichens (aye-ee-aye)
7. Write a book: Dead People Make Good Kindling (and other helpful hints in the Post-H5N1 World)
8. Learn to cook Thai
9. Short Apple's stock (have you seen the chart?)
10. Declare myself a soveriegn nation (Howlandia) and invade Las Vegas