Amigo, a round of drinks for all of my friends...


I participated in perhaps the most grotesque disregard of sobriety I have even witnessed since the dawn of my persona. Together with my compadre Freshmilk, I fell victim to the magic song of the drunken sirens singing "All you can Drink." We went to the McFatties bar in DC for a birthday party, where, though I did meet the birthday girl, I have only one intellible sentence that I remember speaking to her, or anyone at the party for that matter. I managed to say "Hi, nice to meet you," perhaps the last words uttered until complete disaster.


Freshmilk and I, after wading through the rediculously packed bar scene, made our way to the "hot corner," where we proceded to B.I.D.(Break It Down). Oh God. We made the mistake of tipping the bartender so that never was there an empty "free" glass of [rail] gin and tonic. I lost track after 10 or 12, drinks, not O'Clock, although the same holds for both. We started at rougly 10 PM and established at 10:30, given our breakneck pace, that we needed "an 11 O'Clock Plan." 11 PM came and went and I contracted CRS (Can't Remember Shit) after 11:15.


Apparently we kept up the pace and around midnight, I apparently disappeared, seemingly to make my way home. Accordingly to eyewitnesses, I apparently talked to the BDay girl and eluded to the positive aspects of immediate conjugal nocturnal visits. I have absolutely no recolection of this debate whatsoever. I miraculaously made it home by 12:15 according to other eyewitness accounts, namely, the gatekeeper. Freshmilk, amazingly, closed the bar down and found a way to teleport home at 3:30 AM!


For those astute readers, you will recognize that this is all too reminiscent of the creation of the Captain, albeit straight vodka, not mixed gin. I could not have possibly predicted that this blatant disregard for pleasant and jovial sociality would remind me of those woeful hangovers in the early days of heinocity. The classic telltale signs are there. 1) Drinking myself into an immediate stupor at one pace...full speed, 2) Initiating some rediculous, awful, likely offensive conversation,and 3) Making it home safe and sound. Super Hero this Captain Heinous he is, yes? (Yoda) EGADS!!! Well, time for another weekend. Amigo!

Lowbar Trivia

Put on your stinking caps it's time to run the gauntlet with these 17 bad asses. Highlight the invisible text at the bottom to see the answers.

1. What is the hexdecimal color of that piss yellow behind this question?

2. Just what is BK the fucking champ of?

3. How may x's are there in the meta keywords of lowbar.com?

4. What, if inserted into a toaster or a car's gasoline tank, will cold fuck shit up?

5. What should one do when fat, bloated and overweight?

6. What happened on June 1, 2001?

7. What does the phrase Füken das Yanken mean?

8. How many phalluses can fit in Captain Heinous' ear?

9. What company launched the B2BeefJerky Enterprise Solutions division?

10. What is the second commandment found in the sofa?

11. According to Mr. Bill Gates Windows XP is the new ____ and off ___ ___.

12. The Rowbar icon features what defunct cartoon character?

13. What is the sound effect blink blink blink kersploorsh of?

14, Finish the line: Watch me pull a rabbit out of this ___ ____.

15. How far does Capt. Heinous have to run to burn off a Lite beer?

16. What kind of beer does Ape Robot's liver not prefer?

17. Why is the toast served at bed-and-breakfasts all deformed?


Answers

1. #CCCC33 2. Horse racing, apparently 3. Seventeen 4. VHS tape 5. Look in the mirror and contemplate. 6. Lowbar consulting took over your life. 7. Fuck the Yankees
8. Five 9. Pemmican 10. Thou shalt not bunt past the 7th inning to break up a no-hitter. 11. Joint, th' heezy. 12. Mr. Wong 13. Someone defecating
14. Tomato can. 15. point eight miles 16.Guinness 17. Because it's inn bread.

Vote!

If you live in San Francisco please oh please please vote for Matt Gonzalez. Rarely do I feel such a contrast between the forces of good and evil, especially in a political race, but this time I do and I'll just cry tears of blood if Newsom wins. Won't you join me in my paranoid delusions? Vote for Matt!