Seat of the Pants Heinocity


Well, I finally received the pictures of an air accident I was involved in and thought I would share (ooooo goody!). Eleven days after the anniversary of the 9-11 disaster in NYC, I was conducting a practice flight for a flight I was to perform the next week for the Flight Across America, a commemorative flight for the lost souls in the WTC tregedy. Well, I never made that commemorative flight as I was sorting out something a little more close to home. Once you smash into a tree, get spun around like 4-shot daquari, slam into a ditch while strapped into a harness, see fuel running down a steaming hot engine, AND walk away, you really appreciate life. I truly believe I have more than one life, but not so sure about nine. Check it out! I also noticed some errors in the NTSB report, where the runway headings should be 8 and 26 not 11 and 29.

Here art thy!
Well, indeed the Captain has been quite busy with the white collar anarchy that keeps the bills paid, but I was happy to see that he was missed. Back to the first person, I admit, the yuppie thing may be a close representation of my "normal" self, yet I think this tag has some negative stigma attached to it. I am not one in corporate America to try to "bring the man down" or "beat the system," but I like to challenge appropriate and intelligent thinking at all levels of the heirarchical food chain. Annual reveiws are a particularly amusing time for such challenges as there is usually untold anymosity between some jackass that really has no idea what you have or can accomplish(ed) in a given timeframe or set of tasks, and you really have no appreciation for the fact that big tits and brown noses really reap the rewards to be sprinkled by management.

Aside from this, it really is great to have a job, really. As crappy as a day can be, I remember back a couple of years when I went into my first retirement due to a "decruiting" effort by Ernst & Young. Well, depite much of this "outcounselling" coming as a result of one partner, name unwithheld to protect this innocent (Brad Hall-married/kids), was sleeping with my project manager, name also unwithheld for those that need an easy lay (Michelle LeRoy-single/great head), and then BANG, I was let go - despite this, I love being back in the swing of things. Money is good.


However, the Captain Heinous persona has evolved over the years and by the time I met Freshmilk and Hardcore, I was ready to go into hiding for some time. But those guys and I had a great time together in an otherwise mundane job, but in a great venue on the client's (your) dollar. Whenever each of our respective creative energies came together, a synergy of sheer and apocolyptic amusement erupted. A comicly grotesque firing of the creative synapses. Drinks helped too, but there were also others that I met like Ape and the Rev. Suddenly, Lowbar was formed, this is what is Lowbar.

Whither the Captain?

Is Captain Heinous gonna represent up in this piece or what? Mofo been gone too long.

Speaking of Captain Heinous, while contemplating the usual tedium such as suicide, time travel, etc, I harkened back to a call I had received from Captain Heinous a few nights earlier. The Captain was in a bar in Dayton (where he is stuck during the week on a consulting gig), completely by himself, drinking himself into oblivion and talking into a cell phone. Talking to ME in a cell phone, I'm proud to report. The CAPT is an interesting guy...judging him superficially, I wouldn't think of him as the type I would end up being friends with. As I'm sure he would admit, he's kind of bought into the whole yuppie thing. But there is this other side of the Captain...in fact, the Captain Heinous character himself IS the other side of this business-like Mr John Doe (real name omitted because he's a fucking pussy). The Captain himself has any number of explanations for his own behavior, but it comes down to 1) insert as much intoxicating substance as the body will bear, 2) proceed to do whatever the fuck comes to mind. I don't know that I've ever seen anyone else achieve the transcendental state of freedom that CAPT does on a good bender. Captain Heinous, we salute you.

"I had four hours for that fucking 19 year old and she fucking knew it, man. I'm telling you. She gave me that look."

The glorious bell-curve that is life

Old people and babies exhibit many of the same behaviors. Namely:

• Pants-crapping.
  
• Preference for mushy food.
  
• Love of arts & crafts.
  
• Poor driving skills.
  
• Easily confused by electronics/machinery.
  
• Pants-peeing.
  
• Skewed political beliefs.
  
• Need help dressing/tying shoes.
  
• Incoherent babbling.
  
• Inability to maintain/use an erection.
  
• Rarely smile for photos.
  
• Want juice box.
  

Hardcore Furry Code

FUG (f)3c A++++ C--- D++++ H- M--- P-- R+++ T++++ W--- Z-- Sp S+

RL- a+ c++dmnw d-- e+++ f+++ h+++ i+ j--- p-- sm+

Making a Beast

When I was in high school I had some friends that would play a game called "Food for Cash". This game entailed thinking up something gross to eat, like a can of dog food or a candle and then putting some money down. Someone else who wanted the money would take up the bet. Gross items would be consumed and phone calls to the poison control center would ensue. I was recently reading a book about San Francisco's legenday Barbary Coast and came across this tidbit of information that reminded me of the old "Food for Cash" days:

In the Barbary Coast there was an attraction in the form of a character known as "Dirty Tom" McAlear, a filthy beggar who never bathed and who earned his living by charging a few cents and then eating or drinking any liquid offered, no matter how foul. This behavior was too much for even the usually tolerant San Franciscans: Dirty Tom's career came to an end when he was arrested and jailed for "making a beast of himself."

Lowbar Consulting -Computer Tip #1

Internet Explorer and XP

At the risk of being incredibly boring (it hasn't stopped me in the past) I pass along to you a tip if you ever need to reinstall Internet Explorer 6 on Windows XP. If you attempt this you will get an error that says "Setup has detected a newer version of Internet Explorer already installed on this system. Setup cannot continue." This is frustrating. Very frustrating. You may spend hours trying to delete every last vestige of IE. You may spend additional time downloading (after unsuccesfully reloading IE) another web browser and trying to configure it. After visiting Howiebagley.com and going to the animated SVG section you will get errors because your new web browser doesn't know what to do with SVGs. You may then revisit the initial problem with IE and spend a few more hours on the Microsoft website, pulling your hair out. Well I've finally figured it out. Here is the obscure and previously impossible to find answer:

1. While you are logged on as an administrator, click Start, and then click Run.

2. In the Open box, type regedit, and then click OK.

3. Locate the appropriate registry subkey, right-click the IsInstalled (REG_DWORD) value, and then click Modify.

To reinstall only the Internet Explorer 6 browser component on Windows XP, use the following registry key:

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Active Setup\Installed Components\{89820200-ECBD-11cf-8B85-00AA005B4383}

4. Change the value data from 1 to 0, and then click OK.

5. Quit Registry Editor, and then install Internet Explorer

by the way, here's my plush code

P[hum,aqu]/F[ape,>urs] B !BB C- !E !FF !I M N >O !Sp !Sf Tkt ma

Your search - "sick of this fucking debilitating, excruciating knee pain" - did not match any documents.



Suggestions:

- Make sure all words are spelled correctly.

- Try different keywords.

- Try more general keywords.

Answer to 5/31's Puzzler

Nobody answered this week's puzzler correctly. The most commonly received incorrect answer was: tampon (used).

The correct response? That's the center thrid of my patellar tendon with a piece of my patella (kneecap) at one end and a piece of my tibia at the other. As of May 23, is now serving as my anterior cruciate ligament (ACL), after being threaded through fresh drillholes in my femur and tibia and subsequently secured with nice big titanium screws. It appears there are a couple sutures in it.

Bon appetit!