This Smells Like Saffron
Scratch it

Saffron I Am
I think you hit the nail on the head: saffron, a great descriptor. Not sure why but it seems apropos. I've only used saffron once in cooking. It is pungent and expensive. To tell the truth I don't think it made the slightest bit of difference in the meal. And probably one of the strangest spices, actually the dried stigmas of the saffron flower, "Crocus Sativus Linneaus". Each flower contains only three stigmas. These filaments must be picked from each flower by hand, and more than 75,000 of these flowers are needed to produce just one pound of Saffron filaments, making it the world's most precious spice. Now I'm not saying I'm precious, "rarely used" would probably be more accurate. I remember vividly the day in my youth when I had to go to the store to buy saffron for a recipe called Portuguese Chicken, which was my step mom's specialty. I thought it was so weird that it came in a plastic vial and cost so much. It doesn't makes sense. It doesn't belong on the same spice rack as the rest of the spices. Can anyone even describe what saffron tastes like? Or if they taste it know what they are tasting? I'm kind of like that. Can I be described? If you get to know me, do you really know me? I'm an interesting spice to have in the house but I'm not going to be used on a daily basis rather I'm the anomaly spice. When your elegant friends decide to cook dinner at your house and they get there and start making a stupendous meal but get halfway through it when they exclaim, "Oh damn, we forgot to bring the saffron. Do you have any by chance?" You then pull your plastic vial off the shelf and say with a confident grin, "Why yes. Gotta have the saffron!"

By the way I recently heard that cumin should never be added to uncooked salsa, so don't do it.

Welcome to the ideological melting-pot that is Lowbar

The Lowbar Patriarchs are sort of like the Spice Girls. Or maybe just spices. I like to think of myself as Marjoram, while Capt. Heinous is a spice that repeats the word "raghead" in Blogger posts. Coriander, let's say. Capt. Coriander.

For those taking notes, BK Freshmilk and Howie Hardcore are Cumin and Saffron, respectively.

In his latest post (see below), Capt. Heinous sez: In fourth grade, I stood next to the kid that threw a rock at the short bus and I got in trouble too.

I can empathize with that. I feel like the guy standing next to the kid who keeps posting comments containing racist overtones, violent solutions and implications that Chaka Khan is not a musical genius. And this is what makes America great. He probably doesn't care much for my views, either. Except regarding Aaron Brown.

Capt. Heinous: He ain't subtle, but he's a certified sound-effects genius. Furthermore, if you don't like his viewpoints, you can at least take out your frustration by simulating the act of inserting dildos and a large mouse into his ear canal, Flash-animation style. That's what I'm gonna do for the next 10 minutes.

God bless America.

War Games

And one more, one more thing. I read an article in USA Today about an F18 pilot that referred to this war as one with many engagements where the U.S. pilots' are "cuffed." They are forced to disengage when they are not absolutely sure a target is the target. Well, I may be going out on a limb here, but, since when does Sadaam and his Terrorist Frat Brothers give a crap about rules of war? Aren't these f-ing a-holes the ones that killed 2800 innocent civilians in NYC?

- I mean, for Allah's sake, the white flag trick only works once in my book. I see some towel head wave a white flag after what is going on, then I am going to come up shooting. He can use the white flag to hold his guts in.

- Human shields? This sounds a lot like Somalia. If somebody waged war in Arlington, VA and I was caught at the Metro stop near my place, then I would say to myself, "Self, you either pick up some scalding Starbucks and fight, or run like shit for the hills (WV is a few hours)." I don't think any "innocents" would have any reason to be hanging around the combatants, so screw it. You hang with the wrong crowd, you get waxed like the rest of those smelly bastards. In fourth grade, stood next to the kid that threw a rock at the short bus and I got in trouble too.

- G.I. Jihad??? Come on dawg, where are these zipper heads getting the uniforms, online? Jesus H. Peace! I got a tip for you, Marines do not have hair and certainly not facial hair. Frag the knuckleheads that actually think they can pose as U.S. Troops.

- Grenadier for Cheer. Killing our own? That heathan traitor should have been shot on the spot when he threw grenades into the officer's tent.

- That convoy thing freaking cracks me up. Whoever came up with that plan got demoted at least one pay grade. I wonder how many people never even knew what hit them? Too funny. I was actually worried about this war but after that, no problem, same stupid ragheads.

- They showed the Somalia documentary again the other night. I am tired of hearing those thankless aids-ridden con artists bashing the U.S and bragging about their "victory." Hey Kofi Razeem, our body count was 1000-1 against you morons, how did you win? Can we go back there just to kick their ass now that Clinton is off getting blowjobs in private?

Note: these are my opinions and do not reflect the opinions of the management or contributors of this site, I think.

I Racked My Brain for Sadaam Hussein

By the by, when I heard of the initial Operational name, I actually thought I heard something else. Then I realized that we don't need to fight with bullets, we need to fight with wits.

Operation Chaka Khan
Delta Force, Navy Seals, and Army Rangers penetrate as deep as possible into Baghdad's outer ring, set up hi fidelty audio equipment with excruciatingly loud decibel levels, and blast Chaka Khan records non-stop through Lent.

That ought to do it.

Down With The [Aaron] Brown

I must whole-heartedly agree with Ape on this point. Frankly, this guy is just an asshole. CNN needs to frag his ass. This is the same guy that:
- During the absolute worst tragedy in U.S. history, the attack on 9-11-01, he had the same smug grin on his face during the entrie week of reporting the gruesome, devastating horrors of charred plummeting bodies, missing heroes, and torn survivors. This guy really didn't give a rat's ass about any of this stuff, he might as well have been that fat guy that claims to be Katie Currick's friend and reports on last week's weather. Brown had wthe worst delivery possible and almost seemed to enjoy reporting the news of the dead.

- When the space shuttle burned up on impact with the Earth's surface during re-entry, all major networks sent for thier anchors to return to report on the accident. I don't remember the sequence but Ted Koppel made it back by noon that day, another one was in the morning and one in the evening. Well, this asshole Brown was out in California playing golf and refused to come back until 2 days after the fact.

He is lame, but there is something we can do:
1) Strap a big magnet to his nuts and send him with Delta Force to find minefields in the Iraq front line.
2) Make him go on a date with the fat guy that does last week's weather.
3) Fire him.
4) Expose him to Geraldo Rivera as a gay pedophile porn star.
5) Nothing, but write more about how he sucks.

With friendly fire like this, who needs enemy fire?

Now that everyone from the Dixie Chicks to what's-his-fuckin-face who won the Academy Award for Best Actor has had a chance to publicly announce their opinions on ARMED CONFRONTATION: IRAQ, it is time for me to grab the mic and rip shit up old-school.

As overwhelming as the past few weeks have been, I've been going through some major emotional and ideological swings. I don't consider myself a "liberal" nor a "conservative," though I most definitely lean left. I don't think boiling your entire set of political beliefs down to one all-encompassing label is realistic, nor does it foster independent thought.

Here's some shit I think. Now I know I'm not a famous movie star or singer or anything, but if you're going to listen to what some pop singer thinks, you might as well hear me out, too. In fact, the following should be required reading for anyone in the entertainment industry who thinks that someone paying their hard-earned money to watch them sing or act is also paying to hear their opinions:

No matter what you think of this war, please support the troops and welcome them back home with compassion and respect.

It is becoming clear that war is not Nintendo. People die and stuff. Saddam plays dirty. Innocent people get killed. American soldiers get executed. We drop bombs and shoot missiles. Who knew?

As you've no doubt read or seen in news, San Francisco has become a major node of anti-war protest and demonstration for the past week. I understand the message and the reason behind the protests, but I'm a bit confused by the methodology, timing and persistence. The protestors claim they are drawing attention to the fact that many Americans don't support aggression in Iraq, and that's valid. But does it need to happen every day? Do you need to block this city's inhabitants -- most of which think the same way about the war as the protestors do -- from going to work, going home and picking up their kids? If so, don't you think this sort of aggressive protesting would have been more effective before the war started? That way, it conceivably could have changed something.

Also remember this, protestors: The same constitutional rights that allow you to assemble and protest peacefully also grant everyone else the right to go to work. And if you're looking out for the little guy, did you ever stop to consider the fact that vomiting all over the steps of the Federal Building as a form of protest ultimately punishes the building's cleaning crew?

Peaceful protest is a powerful and important way to voice concern, and I respect those people who are doing it in an appropriate manner. But the deliberate logjamming of main streets, violent outbursts and misdirected aggressions aren't doing anything but alienating everyone else in this town, including those who agree with your beliefs. As the legendary Das EFX once rapped, chiggidy-check yoself before you wreck yoself.

I saw a heated argument between an anti-war protestor and a pedestrian in San Francisco on TV this morning. The pedestrian yelled that many people sacrificed their lives and fought for the freedom of this country, and the protestor yelled back, "that's what I am doing, too." Don't kid yourself, pal. It's your constitutional right to hold a sign that says "No War" on the corner of 5th and Market, but don't think that gesture compares in any way to risking your young life to withstand gunfire, mortar fire, missile attacks and sandstorms in the middle of a desert 7,000 miles from your home. Your courage, commitment and sacrifice isn't even in the same fucking ballpark as these soldiers, so just wave your sign and stop kidding yourself.

Not to keep shitting on the protestors, but here's an interesting thing to think about: Would the protestors give their own lives for the rights of people that have beliefs opposite their own? Would a single one of them take a bullet so that Rush Limbaugh could keep gabbing or the NRA could keep on keepin' on? Highly unlikely, but people have essentially done that for them.

"Shock" and "awe" are probably not the most appropriate adjectives to describe what it's like to watch bombs rain down on your hometown. "Pissed off" and "scared shitless" are probably more like it. Calling it a "shock and awe" campaign just makes the powers that be and the media seem heartless and stupid. So stupid that it's giving the action of calling french fries "Freedom Fries" a serious run for its money.

I realize he's got a tough job and he's probably been operating on 4 minutes of sleep for the past week, but what's the deal with Aaron Brown's smarm-grin? He always seems to bust it out at the most inappropriate times, like while he's interviewing the parents of a soldier who's just been captured and reportedly executed in public. I figure it's an involuntary facial tic, like George W's permanent smirk. Fuck it nonetheless.

In my mind (and apparently in Ari Fleischer's as well, which makes me feel weird), there is a time and a place to publicly protest our government's actions, and this isn't it. The war has started, anti-Americanism across the globe is swelling and I'm sure we'll see a few more attacks on this country over the next hundred years. We're all in this together now, so let's all study hard, have some faith in one another, smack the parquet with both hands and D-up.

# posted by ApeRobot @ 3/26/2003 05:00:00 PM ::

Official Vegas odds of specific events occurring

Event	Official Vegas odds
Eminem's "Lose Yourself" being used in an NCAA tournament montage.	1:1
Soon it will cost me $50 to fill my car's gas tank (with gas).	3:1
George W. Bush gives daughter Jenna 48 seconds to exile herself from White House bathroom before he comes in there and "drops a bomb".	5:1
War imitates the Ryder Cup: U.S. vs. Rest of the World, winner take all.	6:1
The Hong Kong mystery disease just ends up being rickets. Plain-old, standard-issue rickets.	8:1
U.S. is attacked by terrorists due to ABC's decision to postpone Barbara Walters's Academy Awards special.	9:1
Saddam Hussein surrenders due to horrific paper-cut caused by air-dropped leaflet.	10:1
Ice Cube, George Clooney, Spike Jonze return to Iraq and make off with the gold bullion.	12:1
The Cleveland Cavaliers' Ricky Davis is deployed to Iraq and shoots self in leg in an attempt to be awarded a Purple Heart.	14:1
Sometime in the next 7 months, the world gets completely blown the fuck up.	18:1

This is getting fucking ridiculous, man

I came across this little gem today: File trading may fund terrorism

Hold on a second before reading the story. First, see if you can fill in the blanks in the following quote from the story:

Representative John Carter, a _____1______ from _____2______, suggested that college students would stop downloading if some were prosecuted and received sentences of 33 months or longer, like the defendants in the DOJ's Operation Buccaneer. "I think it'd be a good idea to go out and actually bust a couple of these college kids," Carter said. "If you want to see college kids duck and run, you let them read the papers and somebody's got a 33-month sentence in the federal penitentiary for downloading copyrighted materials."

#1 is a political party. See if you can guess which one.

#2 is the name of a state. See if you can guess which one.

If you guessed "Republican" and "Texas," hooray for you.

It's good to see Mr. Carter's got his priorities straight in these troubled times.

Getting back to the story at hand, let me get this straight:

• Downloading MP3s helps fund terrorism.
  
• Buying drugs of any kind helps fund terrorism.
  

Apparently, U.S. college students are our own worst enemy. Also, who knew that everyone smoking joints in Humboldt County actually has their personal bag of marijuana shipped in and sold to them by Al Qaeda operatives? Color me surprised.

I'm assuming that all this "drugs help fund terrorists" and "file-sharing helps terrorists" brouhaha is due to the fact that there's a relatively large amount of Congressmen these days with college-age children. These Congresspeople don't want Junior spending all of Mommy and Daddy's cash on weed and blank CD-R discs. Scare tactics ensue.

In the coming weeks, I fully expect to see news blasts regarding the following:

• Masturbating helps fund terrorism
  
• Poor study skills help fund terrorism
  
• Attending Phi Sigma Alpha's "Beach Blast" two nights before your Political Science midterm helps fund terrorism
  
• Using dad's credit card in a non-emergency situation helps fund terrorism, and $1 pitchers of Nat Light at The Field House does not qualify as an emergency, Clint.
  
• Sending large checks directly to Al Qaeda helps fund terrorism
  

Come on, U.S. Government. It's like you're not even trying anymore. Who are we kidding here?

Support Good Music

1) Go to http://www.killermusic.net/

2) Go to the drop-down poll at the bottom of the page

3) Select "The Hint" from the drop-down menu

4) Click VOTE button

5) Encourage friends to do the same

-or-

Band List Poll

Which Band Would You Like to See Most at Killer Music in DC? The Hint

Current Results

Deep And Meaningful IM Conversations, Vol. 3: Shunning Post-Lunch Cyber-Handjobs

kb69bb: hey

AepRokbot: hollaaaaaaaaaaa

AepRokbot: who this?

kb69bb: who is this

AepRokbot: that's like calling someone on the phone, then asking who they are

AepRokbot: which is ok, but the reverse of what normally happens

kb69bb: asl

AepRokbot: it's supposed to be like

AepRokbot: (guy answering phone): hello?

AepRokbot: (person calling): hello, this is frankk

AepRokbot: (this only applies if your name is frankk)

kb69bb: haha

kb69bb: not funny

kb69bb: asl

kb69bb: asl??

AepRokbot: it don't matter

kb69bb: asl

AepRokbot: any answer i type in will be a lie anyway

AepRokbot: a: 43

AepRokbot: s: M

AepRokbot: l: cincinnati

kb69bb: fine...dont tell the truth

kb69bb: are you horny or no

AepRokbot: hmmmm

AepRokbot: not right now, thanks. i just ate lunch

Ever Lose a Post?
I have heard that Mark Twain would write hate mail to his various nemises and that his wife would go to the mailbox and destroy them before the postman could come and take the letters away. In this manner she helped help keep him out of trouble. I find that the "Publish" button on Blogger performs the exact same function. I'll get fired up about one subject or another, write a hastily thought out post and hit the orange "publish" button, only to see the page refresh without my new post going through and all of my writing is lost. I should be hitting the "Post & Publish" button but I see that bright orange button and have to hit it. It's my natural instinct. Often I will have poured my energy out and not feel like going through the boredom of writing the same thing over again. Most would say that I am an idiot for hitting that button. That is true, but I bet that I'm not the only person this has happened to. In fact there are probably millions of "idiots" out there that have lost their work due to that bright orange button. I once wrote a thesis on the "affordability" of web user interfaces. Affordability refers to the ability of a user to push a button or open a door. If there is a handle on a door, the natural inclination is to pull it open. If there is just a pad on a door one would feel inclined to push, regardless if there was a big sign that said "pull". So here's a big thumbs down to the creator of Blogger, who is now, finally making money off of his invention. How about putting some of your new found wealth into hiring a good web user interface designer?

Guess that injj

[[GLOSSARY OF TERMS]]
Injj: Injury
Naenn/naen: No
Shouldd: Shoulder
Corr: Correct
Einkor: Incorrect
Flapp: Flap
Fukk: Fuck

-------------------------------

B K Rulak: knee injj: diagnoses

B K Rulak: diagnosed

B K Rulak: you are now invited to: GUESS THAT INJJ


B K Rulak: beginn

AepRokbot: water on the knee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: water on the knee = actual knee-injj of my brother

AepRokbot: dysfunctional patella

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: arrow embedded below kneecap

B K Rulak: naen

AepRokbot: arrow embedded above kneecap

B K Rulak: actual injj

AepRokbot: torn labrum

B K Rulak: that is shouldd

AepRokbot: severely torn labrum, causing shouldd to droop to kneecap

B K Rulak: naenn

B K Rulak: corr: torn

B K Rulak: einkor: lab

AepRokbot: bruised kneecap due to sagging labrum-flapp repeatedly hitting you in knee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: knee-itis

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: wayward knee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: missing knee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: shadowknee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: kneecap cancer

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: dementia of the knee

B K Rulak: naenn

AepRokbot: knee made of anti-matter

B K Rulak: naenn

B K Rulak: torn ACL

AepRokbot: fukk, that was: next guess

AepRokbot: also: fukk, that is: bad injj

An open letter to up-and-coming bar owners in the SF Bay Area

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hello. Please stop building bars like this in the Bay Area:

• It has a one-word name, like "Echidna," "Chariot" or "Shoehorn."
  
• If not a one-word name, the street address doubles as the name of the bar.
  
• There are more people waiting in line outside the bar than there are inside. There is also enough room inside the bar to accommodate the people waiting outside.
  
• Brushed-metal motif interior with stylish, expensive and incredibly uncomfortable seats.
  
• Drinks cost $9.00, which is apparently the going rate for simply pouring them into martini glasses.
  
• Names of drinks are all sexual/drug innuendo.
  
• There is no beer on tap.
  
• Average patron's idea of "cutting loose" is putting on an black turtleneck, pleated trousers and talking loud enough about "the client" so that it can be heard over the pulsating house music.
  
• The patrons and management alike refer to the bar's interior as a "space." A "cool, organic space," at that.
  
• The bartender is the same guy who gratuitously blocks intersection with his Mercedes SUV at rush hour, pretending he can't see you giving him the finger 3 feet to his right. It may take you up to 2 hours to get a drink, even when the bar is empty.
  
• Unisex bathrooms, which are the only pro of a place like this; they're the only bar restrooms clean enough for you to take a dump in.
  
• The washroom attendant is the only person worth talking to in the entire place. And he also has free gum.

Best Regards,

Those Of Us Who Remember What Bars Used To Be Like