Thoughts on a bar called Low
The idea of Low bar came about whilst thinking of a perfect bar. This would be a bar you walk down to get into, hence the name "Low". Lowbar.com happened to be available, so we grabbed it. There were many grand plans for this bar, the letters for the bar would be made out of clear acrylic and tropical fish would swim inside. There would be a punk rock reading room. The walls would be moveable so the place never looked empty, it could be be made into a large room, when it got packed, or made into smaller rooms if the crowd was small. My grade school was architected the same way. Of course there would be a claw machine filled with bizarre little items like plastic tiaras and superballs. No television. Nothing interrupts drinking more than a TV. There would be "Progressive Drinking"TM, meaning that your first drink would be full price and afterward they would get increasingly cheaper. We would reward our barflies. On top of all of this we would require patrons to cash in their dollars for tokens or foreign currency, which could be used to purchase alcoholic beverages. We wouldn't accept greenbacks. I even found the perfect location for the bar: San Diego, 5th Street, currently where "Shake Rag," a second hand clothing store, is located -around the corner from Croce's. It's a basement but, what a basement!
These were all fine ideas. In fact, I'm confident had the bar named Low gotten off the ground, the place would actually be thriving. It was about here in the planning stages when we hit our fatal snag: Money. Money, the bane of our existences, halter of plans, freezing whole rivers in their tracks. Maybe this is a good thing. Right now I could be pouring beer for some jar-head as he leers at my bar-maid. But I could also be relieving him of his hard-earned cash as well. Either way, it's a damned good idea. I give these ideas out to the world so that someone may benefit. So anyone out there listening, who has a million dollars to spend, above is the business plan. Basically, people come into the place because it is different. They drink, because they are addicted to alcohol and we reward them for their honesty. In the process maybe they learn a little about life and go away feeling refreshed. What better business is there?

Consider yourselves NDA-ed. If I walk into a place that has the above mentioned nuances and I'm not the owner, I'll be miffed.

The Vidintt

Speaking of The Hint (probably the best rock group of the past 400 years), their music videos are god-damned fantastic. You can find them here: www.thehint.com/video/index.html.


BONUS ITEM!!!!! At my job, we get e-mail from loonies. This one, for example:


to the old coockootour yoy are playeyeng with my daughter sonya if you lay your hands on her i will be there before yoy can say cockotour wach out for your bird this massage is for the owner off play boy mags\azine you better answer me bill before i dye its about sonya didenko 727-XXX-XXXX [ed note: phone # omitted for obvious reasons] thanks olga


You're welcome, Olga!

Metallica meets the Beatles

The Hint have released their debut album, "The Black and White Album." I give the name of the album a lowly 2 but the music gets a well-deserved 10. You can listen in and buy online at www.thehint.com.

Tales o' the tape

A side-by-side analysis of Nomar Garciaparra's offensive production versus the Tampa Bay Devil Rays today and my at-bats in Friday night's co-ed softball game.

Garciaparra	Klontt
1) Line-out to right 2) 2-run homer to left 3) 2-run homer to left 4) Grand slam to left 5) Fly-out to center	1) Ground-out to short 2) Ground-out to short 3) Ground-out to short
Total: 3-5, 3 HR, 8 RBI	Total: 0-3, 0 HR, 0 RBI

Note: Garciaparra was hitting against major league pitchers throwing 80-95 MPH. I was hitting against an overweight balding man throwing large balls underhand.

Conclusion: I am the greatest living hitter.

Things I saw during my summer vacation
1. Capt. Heinous in action.
2. Polygamists (and lots of 'em).
3. My money disappear at a craps table (thanks Harry).
4. A co-worker win $5,000 at a blackjack table.
5. 120 degree heat.
6. Lightning whilst standing on a 2,000 foot ledge and hanging onto a metal pole.
7. 75 mph speed limits and 100 mile per hour dust storms.
8. NicFavPac drink a gin(s) and tonic(s).
9. The bottom of a bottle of Patron.
10. A Shakespearian play in the middle of the desert.
11. A bitch fight between two middle-aged women at LAS.
12. My life flash before me as my plane bumped its way up to 10,000 feet over Vegas.
13. The best shoe shine of my life (go to Cesears, ask for Mr C).

Show me the Monday
Gambling Results from "Heinous Quotes - Vegas


OK lucky gamblers, if you had placed 10 smackeroos on each of the bets for Captain Heinous quotes, here is how you would have made out:

Captain Heinous Quotes	Official Vegas odds	Bet	Payout	Running Total
"Hey Baby, can I buy you a drink?"	1-1	$10	10	10
"Hey, let’s go to Club Paradise!”	1-1	$10	10	20
"That was such bullshit!”	1-1	$10	(10)	10
"Good God your breasts are HUGE!”	3-2	$10	(10)	0
"No, I AM playing, can I get another drink over here?!”	3-2	$10	15	15
"Man, those guys are such dickheads!”	3-1	$10	(10)	5
"Hey, can I get a comp?”	3-1	$10	(10)	(5)
"Howie, quit picking fights dude.”	10-1	$10	(10)	(15)
"What do you mean I’m cut off?”	10-1	$10	(10)	(25)
"This blackjack dealer cheated.”	12-1	$10	(10)	(35)
"Hey adorable, let’s go get a room while they clean out my suite.”	15-1	$10	(10)	(45)
"What the f*&^ is up with these dice?”	20-1	$10	200	$155

Trip Report: Vacation in Arizona

A good thing to do when served an undercooked plate of chili cheese fries at a restaurant

1. Say: "I ordered chili cheese fries. These are more like CHILLY cheese fries."

2. Slap five with your hooting lunch/dinnermates.*

* If you are dining alone, just pump your fist victoriously.

NOTE: When your chili cheese fries return, they will most likely have spit or excrement on them.

Killer to be thrown off cliff in sack
Reuters, Tehran
The Guardian, Friday July 19, 2002

An Iranian man convicted for raping and killing his 16-year-old nephew, will be executed by being thrown off a cliff in a sack, a newspaper reported yesterday. If he survives the fall, he will be hanged, legal experts said. He has 20 days to appeal against the court sentence.

The killer was arrested last year in the north-western city of Mashhad after "seducing" and killing his nephew, who worked as an assistant at the man's carpenter's workshop, the Norouz daily newspaper said.

Under Iran's Islamic law, applied since the 1979 revolution, pederasty, homosexuality and adultery are among a long list of crimes punishable by death.

Chilean Soccer Stars

F r e s h m i l k: did you see the july 2 post?
Captain Heinous: neg
Captain Heinous: oh world cup? yeah
F r e s h m i l k: that's a good story
Captain Heinous: the chat by the way, to capt, is not fake
Captain Heinous: all chats are real, except i change the names
Captain Heinous: ape hes funny

Vegas odds of specific items being posted in the next 24 hours

Posted Item	Official Vegas odds
Direct bite of previous day's post	3-2
Subtle racist propaganda	4-1
Fake chat transcript	6-1
Self-promotion	6-1
Uneducated commentary on current events	8-1
Games revolving around World Cup Soccer	12-1
Anything by Howie Hardcore	35-1

Heinous Vegas Odds for 7-18 to 7-21

Captain Heinous Quotes	Official Vegas odds
"Hey Baby, can I buy you a drink?"	1-1
"Hey, let’s go to Club Paradise!”	1-1
"That was such bullshit!”	1-1
"Good God your breasts are HUGE!”	3-2
"No, I AM playing, can I get another drink over here?!”	3-2
"Man, those guys are such dickheads!”	3-1
"Hey, can I get a comp?”	3-1
"Howie, quit picking fights dude.”	10-1
"What do you mean I’m cut off?”	10-1
"This blackjack dealer cheated.”	12-1
"Hey adorable, let’s go get a room while they clean out my suite.”	15-1
"What the f*&^ is up with these dice?”	20-1

PROPS

Rolfonez: you might be a stalker or american FBI or something
CaptainHeinous: right
Rolfonez: you are weird looking man
Rolfonez: do you put a perm in our hair
Rolfonez: your hair is nice and dark and i like moustache
Rolfonez: it looks like you are smoking something funny
CaptainHeinous: it took me years to perfect the look
Rolfonez: it is sexy like beastie boys
Rolfonez: you are the best looking man on the site
CaptainHeinous: why thank you, i try
Rolfonez: so that is your pic or is it a joke
CaptainHeinous: that's me alright
Rolfonez: are you spanish, portugese, greek?
CaptainHeinous: a little of each
Rolfonez: and are you really a captain?
Rolfonez: you definitely look like you are from the good part of europe
Rolfonez: i hate blonde boys, they have no sex appeal
CaptainHeinous: i am from the good part of everywhere
Rolfonez: are you a sea captain or an army captain or a police captain?
CaptainHeinous: I am a captain of heinocity
Rolfonez: boring
CaptainHeinous: I'll bore you

Vegas odds of specific sentences being said in the next 72 hours

Specific sentence	Official Vegas odds
"I'm not sure the donkey cart can handle this many anvils."	5-2
"Well Patch my Adams!"	7-1
"No thanks, I have far too many flugelhorns as it is."	17-2
"That new Travis Tritt cut is hella tight."	10-1
"It's sort of a Charlotte-Brontë-meets-Hunter-S.-Thompson type of book."	13-1
"Well Gordon my Shumway!"	14-1
"Telluride? More like Smelluride!"	15-1
"Here, you watch the septuplets while I fetch Maxwell from the wood shed."	17-1
"Christ almighty, that's a huge jockey."	37-2
"When life deals you shit, make shit-ade."	19-1
"Steffan, would you be a darling and pass the hickory-smoked bacon?"	43-2
"Quick question: Do you sell animatronic presidents here?"	22-1
"Well Bruce my Boxleitner!"	39-1
"Grandma Patkins, I'd like you to meet my good friend Chubb Rock."	74-1
"Chubb Rock, this is Grandma Patkins."	74-1

NEWSFLASH

"Edumacation is fo SLAVES"

On ESPN Sports Center this morning, I saw a very disturbing interview with Kevin Garnett. Well, this made me think back to the fairly well press-covered interview with Alan Iverson during the NBA Playoffs. During that interview, there was question of the relationship between him and the 76ers coach in terms of coming back next year. Now I don't remember the fireworks or even the issue entirely, but it was Iverson's rediculous presentation of himself that made me think:

1) This grown man has the intelligence, or lack thereof, of a third grader,
2) There is no way on this planet that he earned entry to or diploma from, nor attended classes at, Georgetown University,
3) This grown man looks and acts like a punk,
4) This grown man is sending a very negative image of pro athletes and team players to kids and fans all over the world.

I mean really. Well KG sits up there and proclaims, "I did not go to school because it is slavery, a way that the school brainwashes students..." - ESPN SC 7/17.

Wow. This time, now seeing a pattern here, I thought to myself:

1) This grown man is a fucking idiot.
2) Maybe if I had not gone to school and been a punk like these two clowns, I would be worth US$50+ million!.
3) In the professional world of consulting/law/medicine/anything white collar, a four-year college degree is required even to be considered for employment. These types of workers may never make US$1 million in their careers, let alone in one year.

Why can't we make the NBA REQUIRE education to participate as a pro athlete? So what if there are street thug players that teams need to "win." What message are we sending? There are not that many players who make a true difference to the league that it would hurt the league to make this education required. I mean, there are studies that show that pro athletes are prone to crimes of drug and spousal abuse, basically bringing the environments they came from to the limelight the leagues offer them.

Well, enough of this hopeless soapbox. When are tryouts anyway?

Tits for Tat

CaptainHeinous: big boobies on my mind
CaptainHeinous: stare at them till i go blind
CaptainHeinous: some like legs, some the behind
CaptainHeinous: but i got those big boobies on my mind
Kickie1985: anyone's in particular?
CaptainHeinous: ures of course!
CaptainHeinous: i'm goin to the source
CaptainHeinous: i'll yell till im hoarse
CaptainHeinous: show them, for remorse!

NEWSFLASH

Stock Report for 10:00 AM, 12 July 2002

Currently, Plumtree software is trading at 4.20!

Nuff Said...

Champions of the diamond


After watching the Home Run Derby and Pro-Am Softball Game that were part of this year's All-Star Baseball festivities, I have come to the following conclusions:


1. Sammy Sosa is not on steroids. Sammy Sosa is a specialized robot built for hitting ridiculous fucking home runs and was sent to earth from the planet Jarnoxx.


2. Barry Bonds hit only two home runs in the Home Run Derby, which is the greatest barometer of sluggerdom. One can only conclude that his 73 home runs last year and his 27 this year were all cheap, wind-blown flukes.


3. At one point in the softball game, Meatloaf pitched to John Kruk. Barring camera tricks, this event disproves my theory that John Kruk and Meatloaf are the same person.


4. The family of the late Ted Williams is arguing whether to cremate his body (as Ted wished) or to freeze it cryogenically so that Ted Williamses can be created in the future using his DNA. This is no joke. With all respect to Ted, his family is a bunch of god-damned freaks.


5. The post-softball entertainment consisted of Counting Crows performing a song. I get the feeling that Counting Crows is one of those bands that will never go away. They will be the easy-listening version of Aerosmith.


6. In addition to the Home Run Derby, there should be a contest called "Leg It Out!"(TM). This contest would pit banjo-hitting speedsters against one another to see who could get the most infield singles in 10 swings.


7. Baseball is a great game, but I'd rather watch a highlight reel of Chilean soccer standout Rolfonez silkily weaving his way through Peruvian defenders any day of the week.

A new game

1. Bring up the following topic of conversation to strangers: World Cup soccer.

2. Talk about real World Cup events for a few minutes.

3. Talk about ficticious player named "Rolfonez". You should say that Rolfonez plays for Chile.

4. Casually mention that Rolfonez is a sure-footed striker and once set a Chilean league record for most free kicks in a game (24, vs. Colegio del San Carlos in April 1998).

5. Repeat steps 1-4 to other strangers.

6. Check sports section of local newspaper in a week to see if there is a feature article about Rolfonez.


IF THERE IS A STORY ABOUT ROLFONEZ: Kudos. You have successfully fooled strangers and local media.

IF THERE IS NO STORY ABOUT ROLFONEZ: Repeat steps 1-6 above until successful result has been achieved.

Instant Junkies

You know, for some reason my IM name is fairly well known. I mean, I get random fools IMing me at all hours of the day who I have never once known! Occasionally, I embark in interesting conversational escapism but so many times I get snarled into some meaningless psycho teenage babble. Well all too often, people do not understand my wittingly nimbled prose and turn into vicious insane middle-schoolers.

So I decided to post examples of some of the IM personas of the mildly retarded to full-blown lithium recipients that deserve heckling. If you get a chance, give them a shout, I am sure you will be amused. I normally file them under "punks." Enjoy:

Kickie1985
Mystic9157
thnaalm53
AllStateOLB

Jot this down

Tasty Like A Patty Meltt	Odorous Like Rotting Smeltt
Germans: Bella and Janina	Germans: Siegfried and Roy
Li'l Bow Wow's math tutor	Fabolous's spelling consultant
Capri brand cigarettes	Capri-style pantaloons
Driving Aston-Martin	Quoting Austin Powers
Prank shopping lists	Prank faxes
Imbibing alcoholic solutions	Outsourcing enterprise solutions
Oakland	San Francisco
El Cerrito	Oakland
Organizing a blind date in which your friend is forced to go out with an inanimate object, such as a teak sidetable	Tort law
Referring to pool as "pocket billiards"	Referring to pool as "shooting some stick"
Attempting to document the existence of phantoms	Attempting to bust ghosts
Having a raffle broken up by cops	Having a raffle broken up by anti-monopoly interest groups
Minding your own goddamned business	Forcing passersby to look at the pretty rainbow
Referring to music as "major tuneage"	Referring to music as "emo-core soundscapes"
Cisco's uBR10012 Universal Broadband Router	Sisqo's "The Thong Song"
Kent Tekulve	Kentucky
Toes, food, dogs	Tofu Dogs
Royal Crown Cola	Crown Royal liquor
A cavalier attitude regarding grocery shopping	Making grocery purchases based upon Safeway Club Card discounts
Jarts	Lazer Tag
The Coney Island Franklins	Marathon Oil
Go-Bots	Transformers
Micro Machines	M.A.S.K. vehicles
Receiving a Tony Award	Receiving a broken ankle
Affixing items to self using Velcro	Affixing items to self using black-magic voodoo
Referring to friends as [First letter of their name]-Dawgg	Referring to friends as [First letter of their name]-[First syllable of their last name]
Brine Shrimp / Plankton / Krill (three-way tie)
Lemons	Grapes